The Smurf village was destroyed weeks ago and Bush has still not made an appearance. George Bush doesn't care about tiny blue people.

If you purchased the latest Joss Stone CD, what you're saying is that you're an employee of VH1.

It's my genius plan of avoiding any career momentum whatsoever. Definitely the pop-culture thing is something I've avoided in my act. It's just too transitory and ephemeral.

There are two kinds of intelligence in this world. People who are Monopoly smart and people who are Trivial Pursuit smart... If you're starting your own business, don't even talk to me. But If you need to know who the lead singer of Kajagoogoo is, I'm your guy. His name is Limahl, by the way.

I hope that if I ever disappear, people don't look for me based on the last websites I visited. Kind of an awkward press conference for my parents. Officer, do you have any leads? Well, based on Mr. Finnegan's computer entries, we think he was abducted by Sorority Sluts.

Michael Jackson's charity efforts? Mmm. I'm sure they have nothing to do with his molestation charges.

I had no choice but to make me as a comedian, because I am not particularly gifted with a lot of marketable skills. Unless I really want to spend the rest of my life temping, or teaching drama to third-graders, I don't have a lot of other options - which is freeing, in a way. I never have to say, "Well, I could always go back to law school."