The Smurf village was destroyed weeks ago and Bush has still not made an appearance. George Bush doesn't care about tiny blue people.

What is the point of a car alarm if it doesn't get people out of their beds to come help you? So if I ever have a car alarm - if I ever have a car - it's just going to be a big speaker on the back of my car. And when anybody tries to break in, it's just gonna go: Attention! Free bags of weed! Come get your free bags of weed!

I used to play bass for a while and got to the point where I was good enough to be in a shitty band.

I hope that if I ever disappear, people don't look for me based on the last websites I visited. Kind of an awkward press conference for my parents. Officer, do you have any leads? Well, based on Mr. Finnegan's computer entries, we think he was abducted by Sorority Sluts.

Relationships are a lot like yard sales. They look really fun from a couple hundred feet away, but eventually you realize it's just a bunch of crap you don't need.

The thing is, I hate political comedy. I personally loathe it.

I'm not an alcoholic. I just drink that way.