The Smurf village was destroyed weeks ago and Bush has still not made an appearance. George Bush doesn't care about tiny blue people.

I'm working on something a little different. It's a technique I call, 'tantric abstinence.' Now, the way this works is I meet a woman, I charm the heck out of her, and then right as she's considering sleeping with me, I say something so awkward that she leaves and I have to start over again with another woman entirely.

I used to play bass for a while and got to the point where I was good enough to be in a shitty band.

America may be entering it’s Michael Jordan on the Wizards period.

If you purchased the latest Joss Stone CD, what you're saying is that you're an employee of VH1.

I think I speak for America when I say, nothing says NASCAR like Whoopi Goldberg.

What is the point of a car alarm if it doesn't get people out of their beds to come help you? So if I ever have a car alarm - if I ever have a car - it's just going to be a big speaker on the back of my car. And when anybody tries to break in, it's just gonna go: Attention! Free bags of weed! Come get your free bags of weed!