I have a dream. With that one sentence, Martin Luther King touched and empowered an entire nation. You know what else he did? He made everybody else without dreams feel real bad.

I'm the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl.

Haiti fell over? Who built Haiti? Two of the three little pigs?!

I lost 28 pounds in my divorce... because that's what a soul weighs.

This country you're sitting in right now was not built on love, hugs, time-outs and trophies you didn't earn. This country was built on shame, humiliation and striving to be better. By the way, if you're in this room right now and you're successful... you didn't get there because someone loved you too much or gave you too many hugs or you got a trophy when you lost. You did it because at one point in your life, somebody turned to you and said you're a loser, and in that second, you decided to bust your ass to make them choke on that sentence... Or, your parents gave you the money.

Divorce is just about change, you know. It's God saying, You need a change. And I'm going to make it so your bank account only has change.

You don't get a rebate at the end of your life for living with an idiot.