Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty - mmm mmm.

A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.

Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.

A lie is a lie... unless your friends and family are in on it. Then it's a "commonly held belief."

How do we help the church get their respect back? I have a plan: pedophile crucifixions.

When you screw up, you got to pay the price. Shoot up a supermarket, you go to jail. Ride a motorcycle without a helmet, permanent brain damage and in California you're getting a ticket. Too chatty on a date with my dad, well, he'll push you in front of a cross town bus. Of course, you know, I'm speaking metaphorically. My dad will push you in front of any bus.

A black widow loves her mate then kills him. A praying mantis loves her mate then eats him. Women love my dad, but he's too big to eat.