Dad thinks vengeance is the coolest thing about the Lord. That, and turning water into alcohol.

My first car was a 1977 Oldsmobile Delta 88. Ugly car. More ugly on this car than a Rolling Stones group photo.

No problem is so big and difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.

The United States ranks 14th in the world in education. Even if we subtract Sarah Palin's test scores, it only bumps us to third. Damn you, Finland!

Everybody I've ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every relationship after that, everybody. Every woman in here got intimidated by a guy, pushed around too much, now you're new boyfriend tickles you a little too hard, boom restraining order. Every guy here had a woman sleep with his best friend, now your new girlfriend hugs your cousin a little long, boom car bomb.

I'm the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl.

Vengeance, is good. You give it, you get it. It's all part of what makes us human. So thank god for vengeance. Otherwise, the human race might as well just roll over and let another species for a while. I think it will be the cats. Watch 'em. They're cooking up something.