Being a parent is a life sentence. You see, that's why normal people should not have children because if you raise a kid with only love and support, I guarantee that kid will be in rehab by the time he is 16. Why? Because you never introduced him to Mr. Back-of-Your-Hand. You know why I only broke into a liquor store once? 'Cause my father introduced me to Mr. Back-of-His-Hand and its wiley sidekick, Mr. Foot-in-My-Ass.

Lady Gaga is proof that David Bowie raped Carol Burnett.

Life, is easy. And if yours isn't, quit whining. Oh, wait. unless you're just a head amd then, you do have it pretty rough. I don't know how you roll out of bed every morning.

I have been accused of sleeping with people, I hadn't met yet.

I am a patriot, and I protest speed limits by exceeding them.

I lost 28 pounds in my divorce... because that's what a soul weighs.

My dad's full of encouragement and support. It just feels like abandonment and neglect.