The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person.

The worst part of writing fiction is the fear of wasting your life behind a keyboard. The idea that, dying, you'll realize you only lived on paper. Your only adventures were make-believe, and while the world fought and kissed, you sat in some dark room masturbating and making money.

Not everything is about money. You didn't even say, hello. You are not your sad little wallet.

The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open.

At the last minute, I couldn't wear the Hitler mustache because Tiger Stripe ate it; and then I didn't want to take my kitty and risk his coughing up some big Nazi hairball on someone's front stoop.

It’s a fun playtime. Please, don’t kill it with big words.

I will never write a sequel to anything that I will ever write.