If anyone tells me I'm fat, I say, - That's because every time I make love to your wife, she gives me a biscuit

I've known Nicholas Parsons for a fairly long time and his geniune pleasures are in rubber tubes, metal clips

Owning a racehorse is probably the most expensive way of getting on to a racecourse for nothing.

There's no law that decrees when not to whinge, but you reach a certain age - 80 seems about right - when you're expected to manifest querulousness - the coffee's too hot, the boiled egg's too soft.

Breakfast is a notoriously difficult meal to serve with a flourish.

If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer.

If anyone tells me I'm fat, I say, - That's because every time I make love to your wife, she gives me a biscuit