I've known Nicholas Parsons for a fairly long time and his geniune pleasures are in rubber tubes, metal clips

I was going to talk about Nicholas Parsons' ignorance, but 18 seconds would be a wholly insufficient time.

Wine buffs write and talk as though the food and wine will be in your mouth at the same time, that one is there to be poured over the other. This is bullshit. Gustatory enjoyment comes from food and wine and cigars of your liking. So far no one has said that a Monte Cristo is the only cigar to smoke after Armagnac, Romeo and Juliet after Calvados ... but the time may yet come.

If anyone tells me I'm fat, I say, - That's because every time I make love to your wife, she gives me a biscuit

I think our police are excellent, probably because I have not done anything that has occasioned being beaten up by these good men.

There's no law that decrees when not to whinge, but you reach a certain age - 80 seems about right - when you're expected to manifest querulousness - the coffee's too hot, the boiled egg's too soft.

If you mind losing more than you enjoy winning, don't bet.