In moments of considerable strain, I tend to take to bread-and-butter pudding. There is something about the blandness of soggy bread, the crispness of the golden outer crust and the unadulterated pleasure of a lightly set custard that makes the world seem a better place to live.
Clement FreudWine buffs write and talk as though the food and wine will be in your mouth at the same time, that one is there to be poured over the other. This is bullshit. Gustatory enjoyment comes from food and wine and cigars of your liking. So far no one has said that a Monte Cristo is the only cigar to smoke after Armagnac, Romeo and Juliet after Calvados ... but the time may yet come.
Clement FreudOwning a racehorse is probably the most expensive way of getting on to a racecourse for nothing.
Clement FreudAbout one thing the Englishman has a particularly strict code. If a bird says Cluk bik bik bik bik and caw you may kill it, eat it or ask Fortnums to pickle it in Napoleon brandy with wild strawberries. If it says tweet it is a dear and precious friend and you'd better lay off it if you want to remain a member of Boodles.
Clement FreudThe depressing thing about an Englishman's traditional love of animals is the dishonesty thereof ... Get a barbed hook into the upper lip of a salmon, drag him endlessly around the water until he loses his strength, pull him to the bank, hit him on the head with a stone, and you may well become fisherman of the year. Shoot.the salmon and you'll never be asked again.
Clement FreudIf you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer.
Clement FreudCongealed fat is pretty much the same, irrespective of the delicacy around which it is concealed.
Clement FreudThere's no law that decrees when not to whinge, but you reach a certain age - 80 seems about right - when you're expected to manifest querulousness - the coffee's too hot, the boiled egg's too soft.
Clement FreudI was going to talk about Nicholas Parsons' ignorance, but 18 seconds would be a wholly insufficient time.
Clement FreudI've known Nicholas Parsons for a fairly long time and his geniune pleasures are in rubber tubes, metal clips
Clement FreudI think our police are excellent, probably because I have not done anything that has occasioned being beaten up by these good men.
Clement Freud