Summer is a drag because even normal people become obsessed with their bodies. A bad bathing suit can humiliate you more tan anything else in life.

It's a good thing I was born in this century, when superfluous television seems to be part of the economy.

Russia's Vladimir Putin appeared in public for the first time after a mysterious 10-day absence. Putin said it took him that long to recover from the finale of 'The Bachelor.'

In New York, we had primary elections for mayor. To improve their chances, all five candidates changed their name to Rudy Giuliani.

Yesterday, the country of Kosovo unveiled an 11-foot tall statue of former President Clinton. Yeah. That's right. The Clinton statue is so life-like, it's already been slapped 12 times.

Yesterday, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he would run for governor of California. The announcement was good news for Florida residents who now live in the second flakiest state in the country.

North Korea threatened to launch a missile at South Korea. North Korea backed down after South Korea threatened to launch a sequel to 'Gangnam Style.'