Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.

My job is to find the politicians and the presidents and the pompous people who are telling other people how to live, powerful, visible creatures and ... go at them.

President Obama announced his re-election campaign, though it’s not really a surprise. He did all the things that make it official: He filed the paperwork, redesigned his website, and printed another fake birth certificate.

I always appreciated my teachers. When I was 16, I gave them the greatest gift I could think of. I dropped out of school.

Gas prices - it is $6 a gallon here. People in L.A. are furious. You can't tell, of course, because of the Botox.

Personally, I hope he doesn't get out of the campaign. I need Rick Perry. I don't want to spend the next year trying to do jokes about Mitt Romney.

Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.