The White House announced plans to begin normalizing relations with Cuba - this as we're awkwardizing relations with Russia.

A friend of mine that I was in a band with started me on Kafka, which in turn led to Camus and Sartre.

If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine.

Every year law schools churn out thousands of lawyers. We don't need any more lawyers. We need more lawyers like we need more talk-show hosts.

When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don't stop, I'm going to die.

If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.

They've found a link between chemicals in shampoo and obesity. If you're eating shampoo, your weight is the least of your concerns.