Anyway, if you needed something really dangerous, get a gun. It's easy, it's cheap, and it's the American way.

Gas prices - it is $6 a gallon here. People in L.A. are furious. You can't tell, of course, because of the Botox.

Remember the band, Flock of Seagulls? They had their van stolen. I was like, They still have a van?

Being funny is a gift, and, when done well, is an art form.

The devil is not abroad at night in the form of a cat or a wolf or any other animal. He lives eternally in the hearts of men.

Self help books are pointless. Here's something for you... Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and self help books are from Uranus.

Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.