I don't want to be poor. I don't want to be rich to the extent that all I care about is keeping my job. I don't care enough about keeping my job right now. That's good. That makes effective at what I do. I don't want to be frightened of getting fired. So to that end I suppose my ambitions are that I spend less than I earn.

I said that the only way I could have a band that would work in the format of my show is if the band were crap. So if I have a band they'd have to really suck.

The new Pope, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, is now Pope Francis the 1st. Francis was not his first choice for a name. But the Vatican wisely talked him out of Pope Boo Boo.

Every year there's a jury at the Cannes Film Festival. Getting on the jury is very competitive in France. Not because the French love cinema, but because they love to judge.

Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.

Self help books are pointless. Here's something for you... Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and self help books are from Uranus.

I didn't flee a dictator or swim an ocean to be an American like some do. I just thought long and hard about it.