The three drunkest cities in America: Fresno, Riverside, and whatever Mel Gibson is driving through.

Ratings experts say the best way to get people to watch during sweeps is to leave the audience with a question that won't be answered until the next time the show is on. You know, like Who shot J.R.? I like to think I do this every night - the question is, Is this show still on?

At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.

A junkie will steal your purse, and then help you look for it.

Congratulations to the NBA champion Boston Celtics - they beat the Los Angeles Lakers by 39 points. Or as Hillary Clinton would say, "Too close to call.

I come from a very critical culture. You know the Scots. They're always saying: 'Oh, no. It will never work. You'll never amount to anything. You've got to know your place in the world.

The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight.