Oprah's quitting in 2011. Now we know why the Mayans ended their calendar in 2012

I am the Saudi Arabia of unhappiness. I have so many reserves of misery that you wouldn't understand. I actually think that's part of why I connect with Canadians. I think they understand grinding misery underneath.

Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.

Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.

I don't know why some people get worked up about gay people marrying. It's not gay people who are ruining the sanctity of marriage, it's celebrities.

A new restaurant here in Southern California requires women to wear high heels. I'm outraged! This is sexist! Why just the women?

Harry Potter, he sends a message on Owl Mail while us poor old muggles have to make do with instantaneous emails and texting. Oh, if only we could be like you Harry Potter, with your four day owl delivery!