Oprah's quitting in 2011. Now we know why the Mayans ended their calendar in 2012

Now, I know Obama was trying to take the long view, but talking about solar energy in the middle of the oil spill is like watching your house engulfed in flames and saying, 'We really should change the curtains.'

By the power of Steven Wright's Beard!

Alcohol ruined me financially and morally, broke my heart and the hearts of too many others. Even though it did this to me and it almost killed me and I haven't touched a drop of it in seventeen years, sometimes I wonder if I could get away with drinking some now. I totally subscribe to the notion that alcoholism is a mental illness because thinking like that is clearly insane.

Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy.

I'm careful with money.

After all this time I found that the novel is in fact punk rock.