Wait! Don't applaud my cheapness! I've got other crap I need help with!

I don't know how much of a natural human I am. Y'know, the truth is, I never set out to do that, and I don't think of myself like that. I don't think like that. It's not really about promotion - I don't really understand the idea of promotion, talking to a camera for more money. That's just money. And I like money, don't get me wrong. I don't know. I don't get it. I don't understand it as much as you don't understand me, I think.

Here's a tip for all you aspiring young comics: Don't beat up the customers. It is very difficult to get laughs from an audience when you've actually drawn blood from one of their number. It kills the mood.

For a while, some schools across the country were banning spelling bees. For obvious reasons, of course - steroids

If you know anything about me - and, if you do, I'm sorry that your life turned out like that.

I don't think wood was discovered in Britain until the 1970's. That's when I discovered it anyway.

Ocean's 13 is all about cool people having a good time, and who doesn't want to see that? Well you, apparantly, 'cause you're watching me.