Al Qaeda has declared war on the Somali pirates. That is awesome! Evil against evil. Like Alien versus Predator or Cheney versus his lawyer.

I am the Saudi Arabia of unhappiness. I have so many reserves of misery that you wouldn't understand. I actually think that's part of why I connect with Canadians. I think they understand grinding misery underneath.

Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.

It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?

For a while, some schools across the country were banning spelling bees. For obvious reasons, of course - steroids

I felt that, as time went on, an audience gets to know you and in a weird way, you kind of feel like you get to know the audience a little bit. When I'm doing stand-up gigs now, I feel like I'm doing gigs in front of people I know. I think that's the result of doing late-night shows for so long.

Confession is a sacred rite enhanced by allegory, exaggeration, and lies.