I didn't say no because between safety and adventure I choose adventure.

It is Veterans Day, when we honor everyone who served in all of the campaigns. We honor them with dignity and respect, and of course mattress sales and tire discounts.

I know that's not the right accent, but I can't do the right accent. It's either the wrong accent or another Octomom joke.

Sober alkies are often asked: "When did you hit rock bottom?" but a more informed question might be: "How many times did you hit rock bottom?

Sometimes they would just pay me to stay home and not do anything else, which sounds fantastic but doesn't do much for your ego. Its probably a little like getting alimony - the money is nice but has a nasty aftertaste.

With good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you’re parodying.

It's very interesting to know what people are doing while you're working on late-night television.