I don't see my show as a stepping stone to something else like some people, who get a job then have a foot out the door looking for their next job.
Craig FergusonThat's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil.
Craig FergusonYou know, where I come from, an antique, to be called an antique, it has to be at least a hundred years old. That's a law: before you can call something an antique, it has to be a hundred years old. In L.A., something that's been around for a couple of weeks is an antique. It's true! People are like, Look at this old-fashioned iPod. Look at this! It's the size of a man's hand! Ha ha ha ha. Back then-back then, people thought Mel Gibson was just acting crazy. It was a very different time.
Craig FergusonAt CBS, Iโm in your house. Iโm mindful of that. When I do standup, youโre in my home and I can say what I want to.
Craig FergusonThe Universe is very, very big. It also loves a paradox. For example, it has some extremely strict rules. Rule number one: Nothing lasts forever. Not you or your family or your house or your planet or the sun. It is an absolute rule. Therefore when someone says that their love will never die, it means that their love is not real, for everything that is real dies. Rule number two: Everything lasts forever.
Craig Ferguson