I love the United States. I have applied for citizenship. I want to take the oath of allegiance on TV.

I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.

They say give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. But teach a man to fish and he'll get his own show on the Discovery Channel.

I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians.

Anyway, if you needed something really dangerous, get a gun. It's easy, it's cheap, and it's the American way.

Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.

A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.