A new restaurant here in Southern California requires women to wear high heels. I'm outraged! This is sexist! Why just the women?

Sarah Palin has managed to use her failed vice presidential run to put herself in a position of power and influence. Joe Biden won the race and he hasn't been able to put himself in a position of power and influence.

Some people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I'm kidding. No one watches CNN.

The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight.

Apple released the upgraded version of the iPhone 4, called the iPhone 4S. I think the S stands for suckers.

They were singing, Gillette, the best a man can get, with a lot of guys hugging their fathers and sailing and riding bikes. I suddenly felt a long way from the best a man could get and I thought it would be nice to get from there to the best.

Now that healthcare is guaranteed, I'm frying everything I eat. Fried food and cigarettes.