I said that the only way I could have a band that would work in the format of my show is if the band were crap. So if I have a band they'd have to really suck.

I love the United States. I have applied for citizenship. I want to take the oath of allegiance on TV.

If you don't vote, you're a moron.

Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you'll make it.

HD doesn't mean anything to me. It's a technical thing. It's like demographics. A lot of people know about it.

Former president George W. Bush released his new memoir. By the way, 'memoir' is just a fancy word for 'a bunch of stuff that happened to me.

By the power of Steven Wright's Beard!