I said that the only way I could have a band that would work in the format of my show is if the band were crap. So if I have a band they'd have to really suck.

A new survey says one in three adults will be dressing up for Halloween. As for me, I'm not going to do anything. I'm going as Congress.

Confession is a sacred rite enhanced by allegory, exaggeration, and lies.

I just do my thing and try each show to be more honest about why I am and who I am. It's quite tricky and actually nerve-racking to do that. It's kind of a happy train wreck.

There are rumors that there is a John Edwards sex tape. People say it's twenty minutes of Edwards caressing and stroking...And that's just the part where he fixes his hair.

You know when you're a kid and you think, 'Oh no, I've got double math, this is never gonna end,' but then it ends, and it's like it never happened? That's like life.

If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine.