A new survey says one in three adults will be dressing up for Halloween. As for me, I'm not going to do anything. I'm going as Congress.

Here's a tip for all you aspiring young comics: Don't beat up the customers. It is very difficult to get laughs from an audience when you've actually drawn blood from one of their number. It kills the mood.

The most popular Valentine's Day gift is chocolate. In the 1800's, doctors told their patients to eat chocolate to get over a broken heart. They also thought if you're going to be alone, who cares if you get fat.

In Los Angeles on Black Friday, a woman pepper sprayed Wal-Mart shoppers who tried to cut in line. The police acted fast by immediately hiring her to get rid of peaceful protesters outside banking institutions all across the United States.

You know who they're blaming for global warming now? This is true. Fat people.

I'm not aware of having a creepy laugh, but apparently I do.

A lot of people in their 30's get nostalgic for their teen years. Then they get jobs in TV, become bitter and jaded and prematurely old. Then they turn their nostalgia into great television.