Confession is a sacred rite enhanced by allegory, exaggeration, and lies.

I don't like my politicians entertaining me and I don't like my entertainers politicianing me.

According to a new study, Hawaii is the happiest place in America to live. And I thought it was just a great place to pretend you were born in.

Scientists say over the next hundred years, the coast of California will sink almost five feet. So the presidential candidates need to do something. Mitt Romney is conflicted. On one hand, he denies that global warming exists. But if California is under water, he would definitely win the next election.

You know, your whole life you're concerned about money for this and that. And then you don't have to worry about it, so you worry about other stuff.

They were singing, Gillette, the best a man can get, with a lot of guys hugging their fathers and sailing and riding bikes. I suddenly felt a long way from the best a man could get and I thought it would be nice to get from there to the best.

There are plans for a new high-speed train between Los Angeles and San Francisco. It will make the trip time 30 minutes. People in L.A. are like, Yes! And people in San Francisco are like, Yeah, sure, great. We look forward to seeing you.