Last night on the show I had Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it's getting worse. That's not good. I have to call my doctor if my torch burns for more than four hours.

I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.

It is Veterans Day, when we honor everyone who served in all of the campaigns. We honor them with dignity and respect, and of course mattress sales and tire discounts.

Insiders say Obama's pretty comfortable around actors. He should be. He has been 'acting' like he was born in Hawaii for a long time.

What we do have is nothin' but time. Welcome to the Shawshank Redemption of late night!

President Obama announced his re-election campaign, though it’s not really a surprise. He did all the things that make it official: He filed the paperwork, redesigned his website, and printed another fake birth certificate.

According to a new study, Hawaii is the happiest place in America to live. And I thought it was just a great place to pretend you were born in.