I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn't.

In Washington, the U.S. House passed a bill unanimously. Every single member of both parties voted for it. What was it? To deny Social Security benefits to Nazis. So from now on, no SS for the SS.

Lance Armstrong admitted he used performance-enhancing drugs throughout his career. He confessed in front of the most respected judge in the land, Oprah Winfrey.

A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.

That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil.

I think sometimes that people think brave means not being afraid, which of course it doesn't mean that at all. It means that you're afraid, but you move past that and do it anyway, do what you think is right.

A number of U.S. colleges are going to start having dorms for alcoholics. I believe those are called dorms.