I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn't.

Here's a tip for all you aspiring young comics: Don't beat up the customers. It is very difficult to get laughs from an audience when you've actually drawn blood from one of their number. It kills the mood.

Tomorrow is your future's yesterday.

I always appreciated my teachers. When I was 16, I gave them the greatest gift I could think of. I dropped out of school.

You clap. The Censor wakes up. We all get into trouble.

From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?

I only like sports that Bond villains played.