He will know from and early age that failure is not disgrace. It's just a pitch that you missed, and you'd better get ready for the next one. The next one might be the shot heard round the world. My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don't.

Don't hit women. Never, ever, ever.

Here's a tip for all you aspiring young comics: Don't beat up the customers. It is very difficult to get laughs from an audience when you've actually drawn blood from one of their number. It kills the mood.

It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.

I know that's not the right accent, but I can't do the right accent. It's either the wrong accent or another Octomom joke.

New iPod. It looks like an iPhone but it can't make phone calls. So its really just an iPhone.

You know, I think there's a good rule of thumb here: Don't take nutritional advice from other species.