If you're frightened of leprechauns, the best thing to do is to get yourself a little leprechaun outfit and see how big they are. And then you'll go, 'Well I see. That's like bein' frightened of a hampster.'

Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.

BP CEO Tony Hayward said recently, 'No one wants this thing over more than I do. I'd like my life back.' Tony, I'm so sorry you had your summer disrupted. I'd buy you a drink, but you'd probably spill that too and make me clean it up.

Some people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I'm kidding. No one watches CNN.

I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.

The rain is giving much needed relief to California's crops. By that I mean 'marijuana.'

I view my own body as a petting zoo. I am the main attraction... And the only customer.