For a while, some schools across the country were banning spelling bees. For obvious reasons, of course - steroids

I'm not aware of having a creepy laugh, but apparently I do.

I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day. Whoever I had become had to die.

Fat is where comedy is stored.

People spend thousands of dollars trying to keep their teeth straight. I just hope we can live in a world where we accept gay teeth.

I used to psych myself up before the show and now I do the complete opposite: I psych myself down. It's 12:30 at night, you don't want some guy yelling at you. You want some guy just talking to you.

The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious.