It's Earth Day today. Let me tell you something about polar bears. They're endangered but you have to be careful because a polar bear is one of the few animals that will stalk a human. If you go to where polar bears live, it might stalk you and when you're on the plane going home, it might be behind you reading.

The truth is, you win the Lotto. That's really how you have to approach it. You're a lottery winner when you get a sitcom and it goes.

I remember talking to someone early on after I was sober about how I suddenly felt awkward at parties. They said, 'Well, you're supposed to. Everyone feels awkward at parties.' It's an appropriate feeling to feel.

Lance Armstrong admitted he used performance-enhancing drugs throughout his career. He confessed in front of the most respected judge in the land, Oprah Winfrey.

Some people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I'm kidding. No one watches CNN.

I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.

The three drunkest cities in America: Fresno, Riverside, and whatever Mel Gibson is driving through.