It's Earth Day today. Let me tell you something about polar bears. They're endangered but you have to be careful because a polar bear is one of the few animals that will stalk a human. If you go to where polar bears live, it might stalk you and when you're on the plane going home, it might be behind you reading.

If you absolutely believe that what you do is right, you're bullet-proof.

It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots.

Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.

Acid gave me a clinical, unblinking look at madness, and I discovered I wasn't brave enough to be insane.

I am probably a pseudo-intellectual.

I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.