I realize that I am not a journalist. So anything I say is not important.

Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy.

The devil is not abroad at night in the form of a cat or a wolf or any other animal. He lives eternally in the hearts of men.

Valentine's Day is celebrated a little differently here in L.A. Nobody eats chocolate because of the calories, so people give each other tofu-shaped boxes filled with bean curd. Then they fantasize about what their Pilates instructor would be like if he was straight.

Sarah Palin is speaking out about the oil spill. She said, I'm not kidding, we should ask the Dutch for help with the spill because the Dutch have the world's best dikes. So let me get this straight. It is OK to cover lesbians in oil but you just can't let them get married.

I view my own body as a petting zoo. I am the main attraction... And the only customer.

Whoever I had become had to die.