I realize that I am not a journalist. So anything I say is not important.

You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex.

It is a great day for the great state of Texas. The last person being tested for Ebola has come back clean. So Texas is now Ebola free. This was a big week for them. They're now free of Ebola - and Democrats.

I said that the only way I could have a band that would work in the format of my show is if the band were crap. So if I have a band they'd have to really suck.

Stand by your bed and salute me.

Gas prices - it is $6 a gallon here. People in L.A. are furious. You can't tell, of course, because of the Botox.

All they teach you in drama school is how to do stage fights and be a pain in rehearsals.