I haven't had a drink in thirteen years, but occasionally I'm tempted to have one beer. The problem is that if I have that one beer, I wake up in Tijuana four days later with a tattoo and a sore ass.

Al Qaeda has declared war on the Somali pirates. That is awesome! Evil against evil. Like Alien versus Predator or Cheney versus his lawyer.

Anyway, if you needed something really dangerous, get a gun. It's easy, it's cheap, and it's the American way.

It 's the time of year when Canadians mate.

Some people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I'm kidding. No one watches CNN.

Gas prices - it is $6 a gallon here. People in L.A. are furious. You can't tell, of course, because of the Botox.

You clap. The Censor wakes up. We all get into trouble.