The first day of spring is known as the vernal equinox. The equinox is special. It only happens twice a year, like a good night in ratings for NBC.

There is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being thankful is a sin.

Stand by your bed and salute me.

When in doubt about who's to blame. Blame the English.

Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn't matter; what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover.

People spend thousands of dollars trying to keep their teeth straight. I just hope we can live in a world where we accept gay teeth.

Be careful who you choose as your hero or who you choose to deify, be it Clay Aiken or Barack Obama. You put all you're hope and all your dreams and all your ideas about stuff into one human being. They're a human being they're going to let you down. You can't make someone your hero because of something you read on the internet. The internet is not a source of information it is a source of disinformation.