I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny.

Even a chameleon needs the proper amount of suction.

I would prefer as a viewer to watch the mistakes. I am my own blooper reel, as it happens.

Today Monopoly added a new game piece: the cat. The new piece was chosen after weeks of online voting. Is that a surprise? Whenever there's a vote for something on the Internet, the cat always wins.

I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it.

You should never protest outside a rich guy's home during the day because he's not there. He's at work grinding the faces of the poor.

The sexy magazine in Britain in that time was called Club International. Club International: It was about as international as the International House of Pancakes. It should have been called Naked Cockney Girls with Scurvy.