Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.

Acid gave me a clinical, unblinking look at madness, and I discovered I wasn't brave enough to be insane.

When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don't stop, I'm going to die.

In some countries Women's Day is a national holiday and men give women flowers. In America Women's Day falls on another holiday, Mardi Gras, where men give women beads in the respectful and post-feminist desire to see their naked boobies.

It takes a long time to become a lawyer because you need three things - a bachelor's degree, a law degree, and a desire to worship Satan.

The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious.

This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.