Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.

Being an American is something I wanted to be for a very long time, probably since I saw the moon landing when I was a child.

I didn't flee a dictator or swim an ocean to be an American like some do. I just thought long and hard about it.

You know who they're blaming for global warming now? This is true. Fat people.

At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.

I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that.

All they teach you in drama school is how to do stage fights and be a pain in rehearsals.