Scientists say over the next hundred years, the coast of California will sink almost five feet. So the presidential candidates need to do something. Mitt Romney is conflicted. On one hand, he denies that global warming exists. But if California is under water, he would definitely win the next election.

Oh Satan you're a wily one.

I don't know why some people get worked up about gay people marrying. It's not gay people who are ruining the sanctity of marriage, it's celebrities.

People spend thousands of dollars trying to keep their teeth straight. I just hope we can live in a world where we accept gay teeth.

I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.

Remember the band, Flock of Seagulls? They had their van stolen. I was like, They still have a van?

Don't ever rope me in as a late-night talk show host. I don't want to be one.