Valentine's Day is celebrated a little differently here in L.A. Nobody eats chocolate because of the calories, so people give each other tofu-shaped boxes filled with bean curd. Then they fantasize about what their Pilates instructor would be like if he was straight.

Sometimes my pathology just spills out into the camera doesn't it?

I don't drink anymore for Cinco de Mayo. I celebrate with Mexican food, or as it's known in Mexico: 'food.'

The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight.

From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?

It's a great day for America, everybody! It's Monday, woo.

You know who sang at Rush Limbaugh's wedding? Elton John! According to Rush, gay people can sing at weddings. Just not their own.