Sometimes, in order to follow one's heart, one must do the wrong thing. Now, I'm not absolving anyone of their actions; you have to be responsible for your actions, sick or well, you have to be, you just have to be. All of us are accountable.

Don't hit women. Never, ever, ever.

I know the fashion is that everything is fair game [for comedy material] but I don't believe that.

A lot of people come to L.A. looking for something. What I came here for, I realize now, is to be okay with myself.

If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine.

Aphrodisiacs come in many forms: food, drink, the internet.

Thank heaven Election Day is over. No more campaign ads, no more mud-slinging, no more candidates pretending they're straight. It's over!