According to a new study, Hawaii is the happiest place in America to live. And I thought it was just a great place to pretend you were born in.

If you don't vote, you're a moron.

World War Z is out today. The big zombie movie. The trailer looks scary. You see hordes of bodies climbing and rolling over each other. It's like Black Friday at the mall.

The Universe is very, very big. It also loves a paradox. For example, it has some extremely strict rules. Rule number one: Nothing lasts forever. Not you or your family or your house or your planet or the sun. It is an absolute rule. Therefore when someone says that their love will never die, it means that their love is not real, for everything that is real dies. Rule number two: Everything lasts forever.

Some people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I'm kidding. No one watches CNN.

Every year law schools churn out thousands of lawyers. We don't need any more lawyers. We need more lawyers like we need more talk-show hosts.

People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.