According to a new study, Hawaii is the happiest place in America to live. And I thought it was just a great place to pretend you were born in.

Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.

Sober alkies are often asked: "When did you hit rock bottom?" but a more informed question might be: "How many times did you hit rock bottom?

Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there's no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.

I always appreciated my teachers. When I was 16, I gave them the greatest gift I could think of. I dropped out of school.

Twas the night before Thanksgiving.

Don't hit women. Never, ever, ever.