I always appreciated my teachers. When I was 16, I gave them the greatest gift I could think of. I dropped out of school.

If Scotland and America go to war, I'm afraid I've already sworn in.

By the power of Steven Wright's Beard!

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.

It was on this day that the Bahamas declared independence. Before that they were a British colony. The British Empire lost Canada and the Bahamas, to name just a couple. Britain's been dumped more times than Taylor Swift. But did they go writing whining songs about it? No.

My son's always showing me pictures of dinosaurs and asking me what their names are. I dont know so I make stuff up: That son is a thesaurus.

The Universe is very, very big. It also loves a paradox. For example, it has some extremely strict rules. Rule number one: Nothing lasts forever. Not you or your family or your house or your planet or the sun. It is an absolute rule. Therefore when someone says that their love will never die, it means that their love is not real, for everything that is real dies. Rule number two: Everything lasts forever.