Bush's memoir is 512 pages. To be fair, 200 of those pages are just games and puzzles.

Cannabis always made me paranoid; I felt like people were watching me. And now I'm sober, and I've got this talk show in the middle of the night on CBS, and I now know that no one is watching me.

I used to believe, like many people who come from poor backgrounds, that it gave me an edge, but I think that's just something we have to tell ourselves to get by sometimes. I don't believe that anymore. Children of privilege can be just as talented and clever as anybody else.

Some people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I'm kidding. No one watches CNN.

When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don't stop, I'm going to die.

Insiders say Obama's pretty comfortable around actors. He should be. He has been 'acting' like he was born in Hawaii for a long time.

There is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being thankful is a sin.