Thank heaven Election Day is over. No more campaign ads, no more mud-slinging, no more candidates pretending they're straight. It's over!

Here in Los Angeles, school's out for summer. For thousands of school kids, this is the first week of summer vacation. And for thousands of parents, it's the first week of hell.

Occasionally, when I lived in London, I would have sex with a girl from an aristocratic family. I always enjoyed doing to them what their ancestors did to my country.

A new restaurant here in Southern California requires women to wear high heels. I'm outraged! This is sexist! Why just the women?

My father had a very unusual psychic ability, he could detect water. It's called divining. He would use a Y-shaped U-branch, and he could find water with that, which is a very impressive skill in a country where it rains 365 days of the year.

When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don't stop, I'm going to die.

Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy.