If you don't vote, you're a moron.

I aim to please. I'm nothing if not a vaudevillian.

I'm a terrible interviewer. I'm not a journalist - although I have a Peabody Award - and I'm not really a late-night host. What I am is honest.

There's a commercial break coming and I'm very excited about it and you know why? Because that's what keeps daddy in suits.

At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.

Strange star-like object over Oslo right before Obama arrives. A gift of a golden medal given by a group of wise men... Nah.

I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty.