I don't need somebody behind a desk to tell me what a marketing survey says is funny. I got 3 million miles and 70,000 tickets sold, telling me that I know how to make people laugh.

Everybody wants to be great at something.

I'm not gonna lie, I love the holidays. But Christmas was a lot more fun when you weren't paying for it.

Did you ever have the police follow you for so long, that you get suspicious about your own goddamn self? Maybe I did kill them people.

No matter how bad things are, you can at least be happy that you woke up this morning. D.

They had this movie called Juno about a teenage girl who gets pregnant and it's nominated for an Oscar. That's an unusual experience for me, 'cause when a black girl gets pregnant it ain't no Oscar. It's social work and a box of condoms is what that is.

With a cigar like in life, you got to have some length, and some girth.