My life is now a constant assessment of whether what's happening in real life is more entertaining than what's happening on my phone.

No one's dream job involves a kiosk.

Rappers shouldn't have to file taxes because they itemize everything they own in songs.

Before taking the stage, Paul Ryan spent 6 hours staring into a mirror working on 'concerned eyebrow.'

My other car is a vehicle with a bumper sticker describing this car.

Paul Ryan looks like the car rental salesman who bullies you into getting full coverage.

It's never your successful friends posting the inspirational quotes