It's hard to find a play that's right for me to do. Rather than waiting around for the right script to come along, I decided to write one myself.

I've made a kind of pact with myself where I said, It doesn't matter what it is as long as I'm acting.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

If I were actually Homer Simpson, I'd be getting scripts out the wazoo.

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves.

Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This Bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.