If I only ran when nothing hurt, I would never run.

You know, sometimes you can't just take an armadillo, put it in the barn, light it on fire and expect it to make licorice.

A mom and dad found an S&M magazine under their 10-year-old son's bed, and the dad said, 'Well, we sure can't spank him.'

That's why modern corporate movie making has become so laborious that comedians are kind of kicked out by 50.

I never read the tabloids.

I tried to go out for theater or theater arts, but I was too scared or too intimidated. But I had a lot of friends on the cross country team that had great senses of humor.

I always tend to think of all of my shows as possibly my last show. I'm like a junior Springsteen, without the underbite.