I never read the tabloids.

I got lucky. I won the San Francisco Stand-Up Comedy Competition in 1977 while I was still at San Francisco State.

Am I not turtley enough for the Turtle Club? Turtle! Turtle!

I have a theory that if you're famous more years than you're not famous, then you get a little nutty.

It's almost like he's started to sound even more exotic the more people started doing him. I don't know why, but there's just something about Al Gore that makes me laugh.

Please, O ye Lord, keep Jim Bakker behind bars.

A mom and dad found an S&M magazine under their 10-year-old son's bed, and the dad said, 'Well, we sure can't spank him.'