Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

We never had a pool, right. So one summer, I remember. My dad, to make me happy. You know I was bummed out cause we didn't have the pool. So one summer he bought us this thing. It was yellow, you laid it on the lawn, sprayed it with the water, run across. Slip n' Slide. Yeah. Would have been fun if dad checked for rocks before he laid it down! Slip n' Bleed from the anus they should have called this ride.

When I'm looking for hot button answers to tough questions, I don't look to congressman or my mayor. I say, 'What would Miss U.S.A. have to say about this?'

Teach your kids to make deplorable choices and hopefully they'll rebel and make the right ones.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

Sometimes sex is just a way to escape having to talk to that person.

I always thought that if I got no love at all early in my standup career, or I was god awful, I thought I'd get into psychology.