Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Anger has a way of seeping into every other emotion and planting itself in there.

Created a word game to play with a person you're fighting with. Silent Treatment. Nothing happens until one of you quietly says, Hey, you hungry?

When you delete pictures of your ex off your phone, it feels lighter.

It's not for any purpose such as religion, health, or things like that, I just never felt I had the need or want to drink or do drugs.

I always thought that if I got no love at all early in my standup career, or I was god awful, I thought I'd get into psychology.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.