Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

I'm shooting a pilot based on my show. It's a one-camera show. I play myself.

It's amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.

I say it with my tongue firmly planted in cheek but there's truth to it - being a comedian is very close to being a therapist. When you're working smaller clubs, you're listening. You're feeling an energy, you're going with a tone but when people start yelling out, you almost start a conversation with people.

Text a guy you like right now, "I'm thinking about you." If he says, "mmm are you in bed?" Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron.

They used to beat me up after Sunday School, I used to get beat up... yeah, that's a nice little thank you from Jesus.

I'm a deep thinker when it comes to shallow no brainers.